This poem- though not perfected yet- was one that I created from one person's story. (I'm not sure I even really like it yet...just experimenting)
I have a few different ideas of how I am going to use the material I collect.
Every poem is going to be different. This is a little more formal then the rest will be, as far as language goes.
I will give another example of a more informal one after.
sometimes we forget
sometimes we forget
things can go
wrong
we are not
in vinc ible
we may escape
close calls
dangerous withdrawals
uneasy pits in
stomach
ache from mistakes
bars that prevent
every thing but
loneliness
sometimes we forget
we can get caught
sometimes we forget
there can be
con seq uences
of a mind misread
m i s l e a d
or a lack of mind
control
no judgement
call
relapse
in time would prevent
loss of life
at best
sometimes we forget
there is no way back
sometimes we forget
it only takes
o n e
to dig deep
turn regret into
belief
or another leaf
falling
catches a break
sometimes we forget
in nature
there are no mistakes
sometimes we forget
things can be
f i x e d
we can sep ar ate
good from bad
by those who
care
we can break the
cycle
moving on
growing not up
but a new
sometimes we forget
life cannot be
defined
but it can get
better
(I really don't like the last line/lines of this poem...any ideas?)
This poem was inspired by someone who got caught selling drugs, went to jail for a brief period, got put on probation, got expelled from school for a year, lived a life of escape through drugs and alcohol, worked to pay for court hearings, living expenses, etc. Throughout the whole thing this person learned who his/her true friends were, and found hope in a few select places that life could possibly get better. Today this person is back in school and living a much healthier and better life.
Informal poem:
i'm in it
and i'm in deep
this hole
shit hole deep
liquid in tears
seeping through
heaps of regret
mistake after
mistake leaking
through
into the cracks
lies to save
lies to invade
shit hole deep
life is what you make it
i made a shit hole deep
scrambling for air
tearing at the wall
i can reach
i reach for you
anyone
anything
shit hole deep
i am in deep
i am crawling
hands & knees
one foot won't work
it's stuck
shit hole deep
i screamed
no one heard me
shit hole deep
begging for another
chance
no more trance
sleepless nights
sleep filled days
whiskey
shit hole deep
eventually
i ground stopped
moving
shit hole deep
the battle
me against the shit
hole deep
deep underground
bound by shit
by error
by no air
shit hole deep
must get out
must reach for
the top
but i am in
shit hole
deep
the only way
out
is to
stop digging.
(Just a rough idea of what I am starting to come up with...thoughts.)
m
I like what you have so far, and where you're taking it. Think of using the layout and the space you have in addition to the words, in order to get across the feeling of being trapped in their position - or worse, trapped but sinking, losing a little footing with each new day. The use of tight, short lines and enjambment that you have already is working well with the piece. On the other hand, I was unsure why you chose to space out certain words. For emphasis? (and it might just be me, but it's weird: I understand that Mislead, in the first poem, should be produnced with a short e (rhymes with dead), but when it's spaced out like that I automatically read it with a long e (rhymes with deed))
ReplyDeleteThe repetition of "shit hole deep" is great in the second poem, a little refrain of despair that gives you the feeling of reaching out but always coming back to where you started.
It really brings out that circling, downward spiral.
Keep up the good work!
There's some really nice elements happening with the first poem. I liked especially the clever play with:
ReplyDeleteuneasy pits in
stomach
ache from mistakes
...really cool.
There were some things I questioned, though, as to why you changed up some words. For example, "in vinc ible" I read as "in vink ible" and I didn't think it added anything. I can see what you were doing, trying to give the word invincible some credit on the page. I would just do that by putting some space around it. i.e:
invincible
like that...i also thought that if you wanted to play around with "mislead" you could literally throw the letters around on the page like:
m
i s
l
e
d
could be cool....keep writing!