The Holiday Inn, right off route 52. Just like the doc’s note said, penned and crumpled in Ray’s hand. Get out there, see what it’s like. Stretch those old muscles, son. It should help. The sky had settled into some color between dirty fishtank and ashy knuckle, each side making convincing arguments. Pavement slipped under his feet, and the glass door opened quietly. This is stupid.
After turning a few hallways, and following some conference room directions, Ray found his way to where the action was. Armed with patterned button-down and wrinkled khakis, he cracked a nervous smile at the others. The people there buzzed with nervous energy, no one looking at anyone. The proctor stood under a stapled banner reading “Five Minute Mixer!” in uninspiring green. She shuffled something, arms buried in piles of nametags and ice-breakers.
“Welcome!” she said from behind the back of her head, “we’ll get started in just a minute!”
A few woman clustered together, hoop earrings and hot tamale lipstick, eyeing the wares and whispering. Others bobbed around the room, guys shuffling out of the way with mumbled apologies, little asteroids scattered from their orbit.
Ray fingered his little bottle of mouth spray. He’d never stretched those old muscles, not even once. The spray was from before
“Let’s get started!” The back of the head had a front, and a mouth. The proctor waved her hands at the masses. Closed his mouth.
“You all know the drill! Ladies to the tables, guys in line!” She kept waving her hands and saying “yes over there dear!” until proper arrangements were made.
“Wonderful! You will have five minutes to talk, get to know each other and make that special connection! I will blow the love whistle when time is up! When you’re finished, mark who you are interested in, and submit it in this box!” The cardboard box sat in a corner, valentine wrapping paper peeling off one side. “Then I’ll see who has chosen each other, and send you the contact information.” She seemed to get bored suddenly.
Had she ever dropped a form in the box? “Okay? If there are no questions, let’s get started and let the connections happen!”
The guys synchronized pulling out chairs, making hasty introductions, scooting in once, twice for comfort, accidentally stepping on her foot, laughing awkwardly, saying “let’s try that again” and making proper introductions, shaking hands firmly, but not aggressively.
Ray’s was a turquoise with big belt across the middle and a large smile. Ask her about her hairdo. It was up.
“So what do you do, Ray?”
The spray bottle in his pocket hissed a little menthol into his leg. Stop fiddling.
“Well,” he said, “I am currently looking for work. I was in the army, and got back about six months ago, so I am currently looking for work.” He looked at her, tried to lean back in the chair and be casual. Smooth, like De Niro. “I like your hair, where did you get it done?” Get your hands from under the table.
“The army? Were you overseas?” she was leaning forward, pretty.
“Yes,
I like where you're going with this and you do a good job of showing what Ray is like, without spelling it out too plainly. I especially like the breath spray going off in his pocket and the times where he talks to himself ("This is stupid" and "get your hands from under the table"). Having the character give himself orders about how he should be behaving is an excellent, subtle way to integrate the military-returning-to-civilian-life feeling. Tightening the language in places would help also- it would contribute to the more spare quality of Ray's character/ life/ environment and, when paired with flashes of your rich description, would also give a sense of the "abundance" into which he is trying to reintegrate after a more spare military life.
ReplyDeleteWhile I appreciate some of your descriptions (sky the color of a dirty fishtank and hot-tamale lipstick, for example), you might consider choosing only a few with nice impact, and/or giving them all a common theme. "Little asteroids" doesn't seem to fit; pavement "slipping" under his feet seems strange (and in a way that, for me, doesn't contribute to the feeling you're trying to create); and the date lady's arms being "buried" in nametags and ice-breakers (what kind of icebreakers? a detail would be nice here) doesn't seem the right way to describe that... unless it's a really big tub of nametags... and even then you wouldn't really be up to your elbows in them. Also, he's talking to "a turquoise" what? Date? Is there a word missing?
Ha, wonder how he worked himself up enough to get in there. I liked most of the description, as well as when he's thinking in the doctor's voice - "son" - there's just something innately patronizing in it that you have to wonder how much going to a dingy hotel is going to help. One thing that caught me were these little cues that I linked back to images of war, like the lines and the facelessness of these people. I'm intrigued thinking of how this speed dating scene compares to war, although personally I'm stuck thinking in terms of O'Brien and Vietnam.
ReplyDeleteI think that the idea of Ray speed dating is hilarious. I think the setting has a lot of potential and action built right in. So now that I have a decent picture of Ray, I'd like to see the Holiday Inn where this meeting is going on. I think that the setting needs more development and I want to know if this is a recently renovated hotel, or an old dive. I want to know what the people in the hotel look like, sound like, smell like. I think Ray is an interesting guy and I find it even more riviting that he read those words from his doctor right before he went into the dating group, especially since the words just seemed kind and encouraging and not really like a doctor (especially in these times of paperwork and 15 minute doctor's visits.) Basically you have me where you want me, wanting to read more and enraptured by the minute clues you've thrown me as a reader. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteLove the descriptions in this section. I actually just really like how the descriptions often match the way Ray would look at the situation, even though the story is in 3rd person. I like how he looks at the people as objects (A buxom heap of zebra stripes comes to mind). I think this has been a successful aspect of your other posts as well. I think you should definitely look for places to continue it in revision because it makes the story read very authentic. Again, I really have mostly positive things to say about the writing, and the negative things you probably already know. The two of those being, I have no idea where the story is going and all the scenes I've read seem disjointed. I don't really have a sense of where the story is going so it would be hard for me to make a comment on the structure of the story. Also I don't really see much of Ray other than that he is uncomfortable in his situation. Something needs to be done to his character to make him compelling and an interesting subject to read about... but I'm sure you are aware of this and are working to correct it. If it means anything, I think you have the ability to make this a successful piece eventually.
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