So the following is another excerpt from the piece I am telling from the viewpoint of Goodman, one of the men murdered during Freedom Summer. As I said, this is fictionalized, but this scene is where the three men murdered first encounter the hatred that will eventually lead to their deaths.
We climbed into his car, which smelled of sweet tobacco and dirt, and cruised down the highway, the windows rolled down to let in the cool morning gusts. Just before reaching Mount Zion, we stopped at an old general store to pick up some coffee and breakfast. On the porch rocked two older men in overalls and worn hats. Each swayed back and forth, their bottom lips bulged with tobacco as they rhythmically altered their slurpy hocks of brown goop into a jar passed between them. They paid little attention to Mickey and me as we stepped out of the car, but as soon as they saw Jim step out of the driver’s side, the tension mounted.
Without a word, the men made it clear that this visit was to be a short one and we were most certainly not welcome back. I thought it was bad and could not get worse until we prepared to get back in the car. Just as Jim reached to unlock the doors, a blue pick-up rumbled to the spot adjacent to us. We continued our exit as the young guys in the truck yelled for us to get off their land.
“Go on, coon! Get outta heya, nigga lovers!”
Mickey opened his mouth to argue back, but Jim stopped him just in time.
“Don’t you do it, Mickey. These boys ain’t like those you argue with back at home. They play hard and mean trouble. We just gotta be goin.”
I kept my mouth shut as I watched my knuckles whiten with fear, clamping my hands as tightly together as I could. This must be the trouble they meant in our sessions, the warnings on the dangers of the South. We pulled away without a fight and went on our way.
Nobody said a word in the car. Jim seemed to be doing the best, but I knew he was embarrassed or maybe angry. Mickey wanted so badly to say something to save the day, make the situation better. All I could think of was my mother. Was she right? Was this a bad idea? Was what I was doing really going to change people like the assholes at that store?
When you say, “As soon as they saw Jim step out of the driver’s side, the tension mounted” you need to describe how the tension mounted, don’t just state it. Did the two men stand up? Did they spit toward the black guy? Encorporate the feelings evoked within the speaker. And how did they make it clear that this visit would be short? Did they yell at the three of you or did they just give you a stare down that made you feel un-welcomed. If this is the first scene where we see violence, then you really need to get in depth with the emotions evoked and the actions that were carried out by the white men. That will bring forth the fear in the character and the understanding that this is not a game, it’s the real deal. If you dig a little deeper by showing instead of telling, I think this could be a very powerful and frightening first encounter (even if there isn’t that much action as in fist fighting, show just the pure hatred that the white people feel).
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think it's a good opportunity to really contrast the way the southerners act initially but then lose their minds as soon as they see Jim. Everyone knows about the horrible things that happened, but one doesn't - can't truly understand what they were feeling and we seldom realize that we're missing that aspect. Which kind of reflects upon the whole situation in general, but I digress. It reminds me of "Party Down at the Square" I think it's called, by I can't remember. But it's a really chilling, powerful example - capturing something that's really difficult to capture.
ReplyDeleteHey!
ReplyDeleteI actually just had to read "Party Down..." again for my 124 class this semester and I completely agree that your piece confronted my senses much like that story did. It's not just about the overall issue of racism but the emotion that you have written with that really jumps out at me. I think this goes back to our discussion in class about writing from different points of views and when it is good or bad to do so. You nailed it here and about something that I assume you have never even come close to experiencing. I think when we take a step back and realize that about you writing it adds a new sense of power to your story.
The line, "I kept my mouth shut as I watched my knuckles whiten with fear" was phenomenal. It juxtaposed the idea of skin color with rage and raw emotion. The white knuckles were just another subtle way of drawing the lines between race in the story and then the rage that underlies in your character's reaction to the situation really came out here.
I think you're taking a big step here with the issue your writing about but it is an admirable one. I am sorry I'm rambling a bit but I really enjoyed it and I look forward to seeing the rest of the story!-Joey
I like this scene a lot in terms of the situation it puts the three men. It's a small scene but it accomplishes a lot in that it places these three men IN the south. I like the line about the men spitting tobacco. The fact that you called it goop shows a little disdain on the part of the narrator which seems genuine to me, as everyone has a little disdain for what is different and new. If anything I think the newness of the situation from the three men could be emphasized more in the descriptions. Another comment I would have is that sometimes the language seems a little excessive in the sense that some sentences seems to have words in them that are unnecessary. It's a small critique but I think if the language was pared down a little, it would do a lot to the piece. Some quick examples: the word 'which' in the first sentence. Also this sentence:They paid little attention to Mickey and me as we stepped out of the car, but as soon as they saw Jim step out of the driver’s side, the tension mounted. It's just something to look out for. Also try to escape cliche in a story like this. Saying something like "the tension mounted" doesn't do much, I'd like to see the tension mount, not just hear it. All of these things I'm guilty of in my writing as well, just trying to help. Good work
ReplyDelete