Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Hunger continued

Right now I like what I've come up with in terms of character setting and proposed scene but I'm just trying to flesh out a story arc that can carry it all. The best I've come up with so far is to have the two main characters steal or stumble upon money, and then in their decisions regarding what to do with it, I can explore some of the themes I'm interested in. What I'm looking for mostly is to stay consistent in the way the characters sound and my descriptions so anytime I stray from that, please let me know, and any ideas for where the story can go from here would be much appreciated.

Muck looked up at the room. Lizard tongues darted over cracked lips and yellow teeth. One man clutched at his knees and rocked back and forth, back and forth with unfocused eyes. Others supped water from Styrofoam cups and ran their hands, hands like carved wood through knotted hair. From this mass of crooked spines and elbows and teeth Muck could hear the collective prayers of the room sent upward:

“Jackson! What you doing with those beans over there? Pushing ‘em around isn’t going to put them in your belly any faster. Why don’t you slide them over here?” one said, going unanswered.
“What kind o’ meat you think this is? Turkey? Don’t taste like any turkey I ever had,” said another to the man across from him.
“Not turkey. Look at that skin. Too dark. Not chicken either though,” the man answered.
“Shit, I’m not worried. Salt’ll fix it.”
“I’ll put my beans up against your fruit you sum’bitch.” wagered another.
“Deal. I didn’t get any peaches anyway. Just those crusty old pears we always have.”
“Cheapo behind the counter didn’t give me any food. You see that? Bullshit!” cried a large man. “That’s right cheapo, you hear that? I’m a big man. The fuck kind of joke you think this is?”
“Look at J.R. right there. Old boy looks ridiculous. Hey J.R.! You sure are wearing the fuck out of that hat. Where’d you get that?” shouted one man across the room.
“Man,” he said drawling slow and pulling at the hair growing over his neck. “You know I look real nice in this here mother fucker.”
“Right there man, see? That big piece of meat floating right there?” A hunched figure jabbed a wooden finger at the glass separating him from the serving pot of meat and beans. “Yea that’s it, go right along the top. Give me those big pieces of meat, just like that. God bless.”

“…In God’s name we pray. Amen.” Muck and Tony stalked around the outside of the room to where the line started behind a stack of trays. A few other late arrivals stood with eyes cast to the floor waiting to be served. When it was their turn to approach the counter with their trays Tony stepped in front of Muck and craned his neck over the glass to look at the food.
“Give me a big scoop. Right off the bottom,” he said to the man behind the counter. “Been awhile since I had a good meal. I’m a growing boy, right?” The man smiled and drew a thick ladle of beans from the vat like mud from a river bottom. “That’s right, just like that. Thank you sir.”
Muck followed suit and the two boys picked a way to an empty table among the stooped men grown silent in a post-meal stupor. Ill-fated all in ill-fitting clothes.
“Did you see what I saw, Muck. That man behind the counter? I know you saw it,” Tony said leaning over his steaming bowl of beans.
“Tony, I fucking told you last time. I’m not taking anything from the people who work here.”
“I knew you saw it! Come on, it wouldn’t be like he’d miss it. He’s wearing sweatpants, doesn’t he know we can’t be trusted?”
“How do you know he’s even got his wallet on him. He probably left it in his car before he came in. Just let it be.”
“Well I’m checking. You know you’ll want me to share the money with you when I get it.” Tony’s eyes glassed over, the way all men’s do contemplating unknown riches. “Hurry up and eat, we’ll follow him out onto the street.”

3 comments:

  1. Interesting. I'm curious to know where this is going to go. Would they use the money well if it were a lot? I'm not sure where you're going or if you have your path even set up. But I think it would be interesting if they mugged the guy and he had just gotten a huge bonus or something and they use the money to get a place to live and a job. They do really successful and do well in their jobs. Maybe even start their own businesses. And then they run back into the guy they mugged and find out that he was divorced because he lost all the money they had set aside for something. He had lost his job after the divorce. And spiraled down to the point that they were at in this part of the story. I don't know how that fits along with what you're doing here. Just a suggestion.

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  2. Will, so it appears these men are going to rob him. Wow. I did not see that coming. Would Tony really do this? You address that he is thinking about it, but I get the feeling that he knows it's morally wrong. My idea is that Tony, not Mock, bears the penalty of their crime (which is stealing from this young man in sweatpants). I think it would be interesting because of the two, Muck seems to be the active aggressor. I'd like to see how that could play out, and though I'm not sure about who this character is a person, I have a strong sense that he is morally conscious, and it might be cool to explore the theme of Circumstance and Pressure.

    I think you're doing a good job with the language. It reads authentic to me. and for some of it, i actually know first-hand that it IS authentic, because I was right next to you at the drop-in when a gentleman said, “Cheapo behind the counter didn’t give me any food. You see that? Bullshit! That’s right cheapo, you hear that?" I want to know where the story goes, this seems very much like an opening thread. and a strong one so far.

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  3. Yeah, I don't think you go astray with your dialogue and description, it's all pretty tight. The last few lines, where Tony is asking Muck that he know he saw it seemed a little forced? I would think old hands at theft like this would be able to say a lot without saying it...like Tony raises his eyebrows and Muck says 'no way, man' and then Tony says 'he'll never know it was gone...' or something like that.

    As for suggestions too where it could go, I think you have a lot of options. One thing I think could fit in is that they take more than they really need; that they always want the big scoop from the bottom of the pan, if that makes any sense. I also wonder if it's a possibility that one of them gets caught, and the other sells them out and takes all the money, regardless of how long they had been friends, and perhaps the one who got sold out even understands and doesn't hold much ill will. Or maybe he does, comes back, and kills him...

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