Sorry for it being late, here is part of my story, it's the first part of the dream where the four main characters Ada, Cynna, Acario, and Rinnah finds themselves in the forest.
They found themselves in a dark forest where the thick fog seemed to cover their legs. All four of them found themselves searching frogs. It was hard for them to figure where they were but they all felt the present of the strong strangeness that hub them as a lullaby. It was so familiar but different like the first time they smelt the first scent of Superior. This experience was the only thing that connected them to one another. They were the Superior species that are granting this strange world with its presence. It was time to show this world what they were all about.
No matter how different the place was, how dark and dreary they all felt as if they were above . Around them they heard laughers, laughers of children, laughers of Mom, and Dad, Strange old man who played chess in central park, the contagious laughs of a young brown girl with honey in her eyes, the Puerto Rican cluster click whose voice scattered out as birds out of the whispering evergreen trees after they made a joke in their obnoxious language.
The forest was full of these marsh-leapers as they hop everywhere and everything. They were in their clothes, hair, and face yet not a single soul could have captured one. The green creatures played silently beneath their flesh waiting to be discover in the new day, the new age when they can play sleepily with dragons and prophets, and beast. Each frog croaked thrice which echo through the forest as a cricket giggle, wiggle giggle, which played with their emotions, their superiority. Ada leaped, Cynna jumped, Acario hopped and Rinnah slide in the filthy mud trying to capture a frog. Each individual noticed that each hybrid was different. Even though they all croaked the same staring through elastic like eyes, their black blueprints on the back of their backs kept changing and moving slowly conquering the green.
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In terms of suggestions, I do not have many for this post. It was a short description but within it you managed to paint a vivid scene. Your language was chosen deliberately and carefully, which I enjoyed. It made every word important to the scene. You also had an interesting way of characterizing the people in the forest, particularly the "laughers." I thought you could maybe use a little more sensory description to place the reader in the field, but for the most part I loved the eery feeling I got reading this. I have not been reading your other posts, so I'm not sure what's going on, but it didn't matter. This reminds me of your other post-apocalyptic writing, and I love it! Keep it up!
ReplyDeletemy blogger has been messed up too, i saw quinton was having trouble getting on here, but now that it's working for me...here i am! Evelyn I am interested whether or not you have adopted a different writing style from your own, because of the nature of the story. This is the first part of a dream, as you say. And I think it does indeed read like a dream because the writing is bang bang, very 'WHOA! look there, and look over there! check out all these things' The images almost seem transient, which works I think.
ReplyDeleteIt's just a small chunk of the story, so it's hard to develop good suggestions for you, but I might avoid using so many adjectives. I think for a dream sequence, it would be effective to show the "strangeness" with more visual cues. Perhaps more descriptive imagery that allows your reader to SEE these corresponding 'We' responses of your characters. (sort of how these character register the images they see). you touch on it, but be sure to show it! Good work
show the "strong strangeness" *more visual cues