2. How long you've been with your significant other (S.O.)
3. Who approached/pursued who in this relationship? Tell me the story.
4. Say you wanted to see a movie and your s.o. wanted to see a different one. Explain what would happen.
5. Give me an example of when your partner makes you upset.
6. Give me the ratio of how much time you spend with your friends without your s.o. vs. the time you spend with only your s.o.
7. How has the media shaped your expectations of what your partner "should" be doing.
8. Who has more power in the relationship and why do you feel that way?
3. Who approached/pursued who in this relationship? Tell me the story.
4. Say you wanted to see a movie and your s.o. wanted to see a different one. Explain what would happen.
5. Give me an example of when your partner makes you upset.
6. Give me the ratio of how much time you spend with your friends without your s.o. vs. the time you spend with only your s.o.
7. How has the media shaped your expectations of what your partner "should" be doing.
8. Who has more power in the relationship and why do you feel that way?
I'll remove the names and replace them with *** to keep peoples identities private.
girl 1:
2. About 6 ½ months
3. We were both interested in each other, but in other relationship at the time we met in Luxembourg. We started hanging out a lot as “friends” but it was pretty clear that we had more feelings for each other than that. One Sunday night a little after we were both single, *** brought me back a rose from Paris. That pretty much did it for me, and the next night I asked if he wanted to go hang out at one of the local bars in Luxembourg City. We went there, and after a few beers and a few games of darts, I finally got up the courage to tell him how I felt, and I kissed him. He says he was planning on talking about it the next day (we had plans to go shopping), but I just beat him to it.
4. He tends to really want me to be happy, so he would probably insist we go to the one I wanted to see, and I would insist we go to the one he wanted to see. Eventually, we might decide to see a different movie entirely, or go someplace else instead. However, if he was very insistent I wouldn’t mind going to the movie of my choice
5. He makes me upset when he beats himself up over the little things that don’t matter, or when he won’t speak his mind because he’s afraid it’s something I won’t want to hear.
6. I would say I spend an equal amount of time with my friends and with ***. However, he’s become very close with my friends, so the group of us hang out together a lot.
7. According to the media, I guess *** should be a little more aggressive, and not quite as sensitive and chivalrous as he is. The media really portrays that “tough guy” image that men are supposed to fulfill. Having had a tough guy, I can say that I much prefer the sweet, sensitive type.
8. I feel as though power is fairly equally balanced, but that *** is much more willing to go along with what I want to do because I’m generally more aggressive.
3. We were both interested in each other, but in other relationship at the time we met in Luxembourg. We started hanging out a lot as “friends” but it was pretty clear that we had more feelings for each other than that. One Sunday night a little after we were both single, *** brought me back a rose from Paris. That pretty much did it for me, and the next night I asked if he wanted to go hang out at one of the local bars in Luxembourg City. We went there, and after a few beers and a few games of darts, I finally got up the courage to tell him how I felt, and I kissed him. He says he was planning on talking about it the next day (we had plans to go shopping), but I just beat him to it.
4. He tends to really want me to be happy, so he would probably insist we go to the one I wanted to see, and I would insist we go to the one he wanted to see. Eventually, we might decide to see a different movie entirely, or go someplace else instead. However, if he was very insistent I wouldn’t mind going to the movie of my choice
5. He makes me upset when he beats himself up over the little things that don’t matter, or when he won’t speak his mind because he’s afraid it’s something I won’t want to hear.
6. I would say I spend an equal amount of time with my friends and with ***. However, he’s become very close with my friends, so the group of us hang out together a lot.
7. According to the media, I guess *** should be a little more aggressive, and not quite as sensitive and chivalrous as he is. The media really portrays that “tough guy” image that men are supposed to fulfill. Having had a tough guy, I can say that I much prefer the sweet, sensitive type.
8. I feel as though power is fairly equally balanced, but that *** is much more willing to go along with what I want to do because I’m generally more aggressive.
guy 1:
2 - Going on 7 months
3 - We both kind of did, though *** kind of started it. She facebook chatted me one day randomly in Luxembourg because she said I seemed sad. We hadn't really talked much before that. So we kind of commiserated about our respected SOs at the time and just started hanging out a lot. I ended up breaking things off with *** so that I could go after ***l.
4 - I would probably go see what she wanted to see. I'm pretty easy with movies.
5 - *** makes me upset when she blames herself for things that aren't her fault. Like if I'm in a bad mood and she isn't responsible at all for it, she'll take responsibility for it and beat herself up for it (not physically, of course).
6 - probably about 3/7 (friends to SO)
7 - Well, the idea I get about women from the media is that she should always be sexy and on the ball. I don't expect that, though. Everybody has their days, and being perfect is not a realistic expectation. I know I'm not perfect, so why should I expect her to be?
8 - I'd say that in theory, our power is about the same, although I feel that I'm more likely to cave than *** is.
3 - We both kind of did, though *** kind of started it. She facebook chatted me one day randomly in Luxembourg because she said I seemed sad. We hadn't really talked much before that. So we kind of commiserated about our respected SOs at the time and just started hanging out a lot. I ended up breaking things off with *** so that I could go after ***l.
4 - I would probably go see what she wanted to see. I'm pretty easy with movies.
5 - *** makes me upset when she blames herself for things that aren't her fault. Like if I'm in a bad mood and she isn't responsible at all for it, she'll take responsibility for it and beat herself up for it (not physically, of course).
6 - probably about 3/7 (friends to SO)
7 - Well, the idea I get about women from the media is that she should always be sexy and on the ball. I don't expect that, though. Everybody has their days, and being perfect is not a realistic expectation. I know I'm not perfect, so why should I expect her to be?
8 - I'd say that in theory, our power is about the same, although I feel that I'm more likely to cave than *** is.
girl 2:
2. 2.5 years
3. I was an RA in ***'s building... He said "Hey babe" one day to me and I thought he was the cutest thing! So I didnt know his name at that point. Talked to his RA to figure it out :) Then we exchanged a few fb messages before hanging out. I think the first time we hung out was a late night after going out. He brought water and wheat thins (my favorite snack). So I am not sure who pursed who but he made the first move for a kiss so I'd say him :)
4. We are both pretty understanding I would say so picking movies we normally go for whoever has a movie they want to see thats out. If we both have movies out, we both give in sometimes to see each others movies. I would say more often than not, he gives in and sees my movie though!
5. He makes me upset when I am leaving to go out of town or something and I say Ill miss you and he says "you wont be gone long" or "1 week is not long to not see each other".
6. I am not sure how to put it in ratio form. When going out on the weekends, or during the week, I go with *** because we have the same group of friends. Sometimes Ill go to lunch with my friends or hang out with them at parties on the weekends (but *** is always there for the weekend parties). Sorry I cant give a better description or ration :)
7. I think very little has the media shaped what a partner should be doing. I think a lot of my ideas of what he should be doing is based off past relationship positives or relationships of my friends and family.
8. I feel like he has more power because I leave a lot of the decisions because I am indecisive. There are certain things that I dont like for him to do or say and he respects that but most of the time I go with the flow for whatever he wants to do.
3. I was an RA in ***'s building... He said "Hey babe" one day to me and I thought he was the cutest thing! So I didnt know his name at that point. Talked to his RA to figure it out :) Then we exchanged a few fb messages before hanging out. I think the first time we hung out was a late night after going out. He brought water and wheat thins (my favorite snack). So I am not sure who pursed who but he made the first move for a kiss so I'd say him :)
4. We are both pretty understanding I would say so picking movies we normally go for whoever has a movie they want to see thats out. If we both have movies out, we both give in sometimes to see each others movies. I would say more often than not, he gives in and sees my movie though!
5. He makes me upset when I am leaving to go out of town or something and I say Ill miss you and he says "you wont be gone long" or "1 week is not long to not see each other".
6. I am not sure how to put it in ratio form. When going out on the weekends, or during the week, I go with *** because we have the same group of friends. Sometimes Ill go to lunch with my friends or hang out with them at parties on the weekends (but *** is always there for the weekend parties). Sorry I cant give a better description or ration :)
7. I think very little has the media shaped what a partner should be doing. I think a lot of my ideas of what he should be doing is based off past relationship positives or relationships of my friends and family.
8. I feel like he has more power because I leave a lot of the decisions because I am indecisive. There are certain things that I dont like for him to do or say and he respects that but most of the time I go with the flow for whatever he wants to do.
still waiting on guy 2
girl 3:
2. 19 months
3. He did -- he took the first step and got my phone number.
4. Honestly, I can't remember the last time that we didn't agree on a movie before hand. Most of the time we lay out the reasons for seeing one, and then the other. If it's a scary movie, then I explain that I will have nightmares later, and he'll have to deal with that. In most other cases, I can be persuaded with popcorn.
5. When it seems like he doesn't factor me into his plans.
6. (friends) 65 : (***) 35
7. Sometimes it feels like the media is pressuring us to have more dramatic moments -- like we should be having major issues like ex-wives or unexpected pregnancies. Of course, there are people who actually have huge problems like this, but I would say that the problems *** and I face are really more about things working out on time.
8. I would say he does -- I'm the one sticking around Ohio because he's gradauting late. In the other scenario, we're in a long distance relationship, in which I'm probably the one who will have to fly back.
4. Honestly, I can't remember the last time that we didn't agree on a movie before hand. Most of the time we lay out the reasons for seeing one, and then the other. If it's a scary movie, then I explain that I will have nightmares later, and he'll have to deal with that. In most other cases, I can be persuaded with popcorn.
5. When it seems like he doesn't factor me into his plans.
6. (friends) 65 : (***) 35
7. Sometimes it feels like the media is pressuring us to have more dramatic moments -- like we should be having major issues like ex-wives or unexpected pregnancies. Of course, there are people who actually have huge problems like this, but I would say that the problems *** and I face are really more about things working out on time.
8. I would say he does -- I'm the one sticking around Ohio because he's gradauting late. In the other scenario, we're in a long distance relationship, in which I'm probably the one who will have to fly back.
guy 3:
2. 19 monthes
3.Well, we met at a party. And from there I got friends to talk me up to her. Then i got her number. After that it was pretty standard. We both kind of pursued each other
4. We'd probably think about it for a bit, then either watch my movie (since i tend to know more about these). Or watch both. Usually it's a good compromise.
5.There are times when she doesn't think ahead with plans, or over books and causes needless pain and suffering. We tend to not get on each others nerves though. And when we do, it doesn't really last longer then 15 minutes.
6. 70/30
7. I feel like thats a tough question. While the media has obviously had some sort of effect on our relationship, I feel like we have enough awareness of it that we accept it, or actively try and change it. Sometimes she cooks for me. Sometimes I pay. But that isn't all the time. It's a give and take
8. I feel like the power in the relationship isn't something that inherently is one or the others. Power shifts, and it definitely shifts in this relationship. And in some things she has more power than I do, and in others I have more power. It isn't a finite thing.
3.Well, we met at a party. And from there I got friends to talk me up to her. Then i got her number. After that it was pretty standard. We both kind of pursued each other
4. We'd probably think about it for a bit, then either watch my movie (since i tend to know more about these). Or watch both. Usually it's a good compromise.
5.There are times when she doesn't think ahead with plans, or over books and causes needless pain and suffering. We tend to not get on each others nerves though. And when we do, it doesn't really last longer then 15 minutes.
6. 70/30
7. I feel like thats a tough question. While the media has obviously had some sort of effect on our relationship, I feel like we have enough awareness of it that we accept it, or actively try and change it. Sometimes she cooks for me. Sometimes I pay. But that isn't all the time. It's a give and take
8. I feel like the power in the relationship isn't something that inherently is one or the others. Power shifts, and it definitely shifts in this relationship. And in some things she has more power than I do, and in others I have more power. It isn't a finite thing.
girl 4:
2. 8 months
3. Definitely he pursued me. Actually the only reason I knew who he was when we met was because my best friend liked him…I know I know. And we were at a party and he death-cupped me in beer pong and so we started flirting because I was mad haha. But I spent the night still trying to set him up with my friend, making them partners, leaving them alone etc. He got my number from a mutual friend after I left and texted me that night. At first, I was pretty cold to him, telling him because my friend liked him my hands were tied. At first I only cared because I felt bad for my friend, but he would text me non-stop, and eventually I started liking it and decided he was pretty funny and we’d text all the time. This was all within like 2 weeks. Then one night I got really drunk and told him to come over and although he resisted for a while because I was quite intoxicated I kissed him. And we talked and kissed a lot the next few days and really quickly realized we liked each other a lot.
4. If one of us wanted to see a movie in particular before we decided to go, we would see that one, or if someone had a stronger preference than the other we’d go with that. If not, we would both offer to see the other person’s movie, and eventually settle on the one we think both of us would enjoy the most. Either of us could insist on one and the other would acquiesce.
5. Whenever he does not see why I am as upset as I am about something, he treats me according to how upset he thinks I should be or how upset he would be in that situation. I wish he would give me the benefit of the doubt that although he does not see why it upsets me as much as it does, I am probably justified in feeling that way. Latest example was when an older, male teacher of mine hit on me and I was veryyy upset and he didn’t get it.
6. I’d say… 2:1 ***:friends
7. I would say in my case I formed my opinion of how a boy should treat a girl from my parents more than anything. So I think the influence of the media is more on trivial, superficial things that very meaningful ones. There are so much conflicting messages out there, I feel like my opinions are my own, but that is just a big mix of things I’ve seen or heard and I internalize what I like. So I think it has not been a significant impact, but probably more than I realize.
8. I have never had a relationship as balanced as this one (I usually have way more power) and this is a tough question. Ultimately I would say that I do if I absolutely had to choose, but truthfully it is more even than I ever thought possible. He gives me pretty much whatever I want, which is why I say that, but generally that goes both ways. If it came down to it, though, he’d be the one to sacrifice.
3. Definitely he pursued me. Actually the only reason I knew who he was when we met was because my best friend liked him…I know I know. And we were at a party and he death-cupped me in beer pong and so we started flirting because I was mad haha. But I spent the night still trying to set him up with my friend, making them partners, leaving them alone etc. He got my number from a mutual friend after I left and texted me that night. At first, I was pretty cold to him, telling him because my friend liked him my hands were tied. At first I only cared because I felt bad for my friend, but he would text me non-stop, and eventually I started liking it and decided he was pretty funny and we’d text all the time. This was all within like 2 weeks. Then one night I got really drunk and told him to come over and although he resisted for a while because I was quite intoxicated I kissed him. And we talked and kissed a lot the next few days and really quickly realized we liked each other a lot.
4. If one of us wanted to see a movie in particular before we decided to go, we would see that one, or if someone had a stronger preference than the other we’d go with that. If not, we would both offer to see the other person’s movie, and eventually settle on the one we think both of us would enjoy the most. Either of us could insist on one and the other would acquiesce.
5. Whenever he does not see why I am as upset as I am about something, he treats me according to how upset he thinks I should be or how upset he would be in that situation. I wish he would give me the benefit of the doubt that although he does not see why it upsets me as much as it does, I am probably justified in feeling that way. Latest example was when an older, male teacher of mine hit on me and I was veryyy upset and he didn’t get it.
6. I’d say… 2:1 ***:friends
7. I would say in my case I formed my opinion of how a boy should treat a girl from my parents more than anything. So I think the influence of the media is more on trivial, superficial things that very meaningful ones. There are so much conflicting messages out there, I feel like my opinions are my own, but that is just a big mix of things I’ve seen or heard and I internalize what I like. So I think it has not been a significant impact, but probably more than I realize.
8. I have never had a relationship as balanced as this one (I usually have way more power) and this is a tough question. Ultimately I would say that I do if I absolutely had to choose, but truthfully it is more even than I ever thought possible. He gives me pretty much whatever I want, which is why I say that, but generally that goes both ways. If it came down to it, though, he’d be the one to sacrifice.
still waiting on guy 4
Anyway, that's all I have so far. Let me know if you have any ideas of how to remix all this information or how you would somehow organize it. I wasn't going to use all the sentences obviously, probably just pick out some of the most powerful statements from each.
Thanks!
Olivia
Olivia -- I think you have some great potential material, which you could take several ways. It might be interesting if you made your selection of text procedural: choose a number and count to that number on the words in your text, collecting the words that you landed on to build your poems. Or, you could just choose to use the words that you want specifically. It might be interesting to make connections between different couples as a part of one long poem, or sepereating each couple into segments and relating them to each other that way. I think that the way you organize this will end up being very important to the questions of power that you have going here.
ReplyDeletethese are really interesting things. I like that the first couple brokeup with other people while overseas in order to be with one another. I wanted to know the boy's responses since those aren't there, and I think that is a good indecator that I was really involved in your project. i also think the portrats you are doing are really pretty and the text from these people will be interesting when working with the pictures.
ReplyDeleteI guess my initial reaction is how much text from the interviews will you use? How will you decide what will be in your piece and what will be excluded? I wonder if you are going to focus on a specific topic within the larger project context, such as media influences, or first meeting stories.