This is a piece of my short story. I think it will be the very beginning of the story. It's Emma sitting in her room, during her Grandfather's funeral reception.
She knew, a little before the actual day, that it was his time. He had to leave her. She knew when he unclasped his gold watch from his pasty wrist. Hidden liver spots exposed for the first time in many years. “Here Emma, it’s yours now,” he had said.
The weight of it on her own wrist felt necessary. For if it wasn’t there, she would float up from her bedroom, unable to come down. The gold watch was her anchor to this life; it was a weight that gave her something aside for the emptiness within her.
She squeezed her hand around the watch, allowing the edges of its links to dig into her fingers. A small knock on her door interrupted the silence.
“Emma?” Her mother said through the wood. The door opened slightly and her mother peaked her concerned face into the dimly light bedroom.
“Please come down Sweetie. Every one is down stairs.” Emma was staring at her patchwork quilt, too guilty to look up. She felt the timid brush strokes of her mother’s hand on her shoulder, not hearing her light footsteps approach her. “There’s some of those oatmeal cookies you like.” Looking up at the green eyes identical to her own, Emma wondered if she would ever have the will to leave her room. The thought of conversing with her relatives made her flinch.
“You’re grandfather would have liked it if you came down to celebrate his life,” her mother finally said.
Emma smiled at this, with he in her mind’s eye. Her grandfather would give her a hidden smirk, his wiry eyebrows raised, because only she ever fully understood him. Yes, she would go down for her grandfather. So together, they walked out of her room, approaching the stiff air.
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Kaitlin,
ReplyDeleteThis seems interesting. The language that you're using feels very familiar and open, which endears the character to the reader quickly. Is Death the power structure you're investigating, or is it parents and their influence?
The only technical thing that I can point out is the part where it reads "Looking up at the green eyes identical to her own..." It felt a little out of place for me, because the rest of the time you're so close to the character. That kind of jarrs you out of her head -- she wouldn't be thinking about how her mother's eyes are exactly the same as her's, you know?
My favorite part is when Emma is thinking about the weight of the watch: "For if it wasn’t there, she would float up from her bedroom, unable to come down." And she's sitting up in her bedroom. It kind of suggests that if she weren't holding the watch, she'd diffuse through the celing and wind up in the sky. It captures the kind of emptiness she feels very well.
I'm excited to read more of this!
I think this is an interesting way to start the story, it sets a nice, quiet tone and does a good job giving Emma's feeling of trepidation. It also sets up a lot of lineage and history, from the watch being passed down to the conversation with her mother...there's a feeling of generations and age and all that that comes out in such a short passage. I also think you do a good job of letting us see the inside of Emma's head and how she works and if anything, I'd like to see more of her specific thoughts along with her observations.
ReplyDeletePeople deal with death in really weird ways, and I think it's also something to think about by having Emma have some strange little tic or thing that she's doing that is her way of coping...with her mother, offering Emma cookies seems to be this little habit (i.e. I'm not sure what to do, so I'll offer food, etc) It can be something small or not, but I think it'd add personality to Emma and build on the personality her thoughts and musings about the watch estabish.
This all seems a little too normal to me right now to really be interesting. Having her deal with a death by laying in bed by herself and not talking to anyone about it so really cliche... I'd love to see her do something completely ridiculous to react to it. I do like the watch and line about how it gave her weight, that seemed like an authentic emotion to me, as it is often hard to deal with the physical stuff that people leave behind when they die. Anytime you find yourself attributing things to your characters that's easy to do watch out. Write about things that make you uncomfortable and I think it will do a lot for your piece.
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