Sunday, November 1, 2009

Cassie

Cassie. Like the dog, but with a C. Her apartment was a shithole, and it smelled like cats or parrots or something.
“Ugh, I hate cats, you know that.” She moved through the place sharply, displacing clothes onto chairs and shoving piles of paper from one shelf to another in her bedroom. Ray plunked the grocery bags onto the counter top.
“They’re too stuck up,” she yelled from the bedroom, “they think they’re better than everyone.” She swooped back into the kitchen and dropped a kiss on his cheek and started unpacking the bags. Her refrigerator was full of all sorts of Tupperware and bowls half covered in saran wrap.
They are better.
“Yeah,” Ray said, “dogs run and catch Frisbees and do the park. Much better.” He tucked his hands in his pockets and leaned back.
“I stand by the fact that those are the worst pants on earth, Ray. Where did you get them, again? I know you told me.”
“Mom,” he said. They were olive green cargo pants, nice and comfortable.
“They’ll burn nicely,” she said. “My neighbor, the one who lives over there,” point, “wants us to come over for a barbeque before it really gets too cold.”
You can’t have a grill on the second floor.
“Sounds great,” Ray said. He poked a few times at a blob of clothing on the counter, but its identity remained a mystery.
“I told her we’d be there around six, could you have your mother make that potato stuff?” The groceries disappeared into parts of her place, and she scuttled around, tidying up.
“Are we still going on that trip?” Ray said. She threw an armful of clothes on the floor by the washing machine. He kicked aside some magazines and plopped down on the couch, legs on the table. He wanted a cigarette. No more smoking, Ray! It makes your kisses taste bad. When he got to the car. She wouldn’t know.
“I feel bad always asking her to cook for us. Do you think we should invite her? I still don’t think she likes me.” She doesn’t like you.
“The trip, babe, the trip. You. Me. Are we going? Or…?”
“Yes! Ray, dear. Dearest,” (kiss on the back of his head), “we already talked about that. I got off from the clinic. I just need to get a bathing suit.” She walked in front of him, in front of the TV that was turned off. “I’ve never seen you in a suit!” You haven't seen you in a suit, either. Not since you were fourteen.

4 comments:

  1. Well hello, Mike! So I have not caught up on your other posts, so naturally I am a bit lost here. But logistically speaking about your writing, I enjoy your semi-stream of consciousness feel you have going. I feel like the pace moves very quickly in your excerpt and the point of view shifting from dialogue to inner dialogue makes the reader stay on his or her toes to know what is going on. I'm not sure if you have done this in your other posts or not, but I think the dialogue is great here and truly helps to characterize your people. Perhaps if you were able to get some physical description in the text that would help solidify what is going on and create some clarity for the reader as well. As of now, I just felt nervous or a little rushed. Of course, this really could be because I don't know what your goal is or what your other posts have looked like. And the frantic feeling may be what you are going for as well. Anyway, good luck and keep it up!

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  2. Ha! I thought that little piece was so funny! I love the relationship between the two and the sarcastic thoughts that he says in his head.

    "I still don't think she likes me." She doesn't like you."

    The girl is so chaotic and frazzled that she doesn't even need to hear his response, she just asks more questions. I wonder if he even likes her. She seems so annoying and on the fritz. Your dialogue is extremly effective. Keep it up, I want to see more of this relationship.

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  3. Mike-

    "Her refrigerator was full of all sorts of Tupperware and bowls half covered in saran wrap.
    They are better."

    This is great, & beautifully written. I enjoy the contrast of ideas, yet the commonality they share. I don't entirely "get it," but I like that about it. I read it, and immediately hit "APPLE" + "C."

    The dynamic of the relationship is intriguing. It seems as if Cassie has the power, until we hear the inner dialogue from her partner. The inner dialogue makes the piece. Without it, we would be lost.

    The last image of not wearing a suit since age 14 is another great idea. Except I want to know more! Is it a money issue? Maybe there hasn't been a reason to wear a suit since age 14...or maybe there is a lack of self-respect for the character. I don't know, but I want to.

    Is there more to this story?

    Nice job. Share more!

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  4. Hey Mike,

    There are a couple things I want to focus. First, the piece is written in third person, but it sort of feels like your your (or Ray's) first person narrative. In the very beginning, when you say that it smells like cats or parrots or something, the lack of a definitive odor makes it seem like these words are coming from Ray. Also, with the Cassie joke, it's a funny way to introduce the character, but if it's in the third person, I think it creates a distraction. If it's not coming from Ray's voice or your voice, it reads kind of awkward. Within the realm of the story, I think it's important for the characters to exist from your 3rd person (omniscient) descriptions.

    An example where you did a fine job of this occurs towards the end of the piece when Ray tells himself that he will get a cigarette in the car, and that she wouldn't know. 'She wouldn't know.' Only three words, but these 3 words do a lot because they function to describe the relationship between these people, for better or worse, as one that is not completely open. I'm interested here because you've created this great moment of a secret. It's clear Ray does this often, however this stealth wouldn't truly be stealthy if he were to kiss her with smoke breath. Then she'd detect it, which you suggest she can. It's sometimes unclear who is who in this piece, esp. with the female characters. There is Mom, and there is Cassie, but the two feel blurred together at time, which for me becomes awkward when you read “The trip, babe, the trip. You. Me. Are we going? Or…?” And then she kisses him on the back of the head. even with the presence of 'babe,' I'm still not entirely sure this isn't his Mom. Maybe create more spacing to highlight character change, scene change, etc.. Please share more! I enjoyed reading.

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